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It's been three days since I heard from Mr heartbreak. I keep telling myself to block his damn number. He isn't serious about me otherwise he would have been with me already. Whatever. I'm beyond fed up at this point. I'm going to go on my walk tonight and forget him.

What in the hell is going on? I had two exes message me today saying they missed me and wanted me back. Um. You had your chance to be with me. Get the fuck out of here with your bullshit and lies. Tuesday my vehicle will be ready Wednesday I'm blowing town. Can't wait.

I woke up this morning with a text from one of my ex boyfriends. He got verbally abusive in a short time and had a warrant out for his arrest for domestic battery. I remember him pinning my arms to my sides bruising me and tried to rape me. I don't know how he got my latest number. It pissed me off.

I cancelled Sunday. I just can't go through with it. I don't use people for anything. Sigh

Surgery went well everything is all patched up. While I was out I actually dreamed. Of course it had to be about Mr heartbreak. The one time I dream while under. Today I'm going to forget he ever existed. He gave up on me and turned his back on me when I needed him the most. He doesn't deserve my time, heart or thoughts. He turned out to be just like everyone else. My real soul mate if he exists won't be anything like that. My real soul mate will make time for me, follow me to hell and back, be there for me when the darkness consumes me. Mr heartbreak must have just been a lesson reminding me not to give up entirely.

I got a couple hours before surgery at least I'm able to leave town for a little bit. I had a weird dream last night but I can't remember anything about it. I just know I'm exhausted. The Dr is goi g to be giving me new sleeping medication and an antidepressant. I don't know if I want to take them. I know my family will be forcing my hand. I haven't heard from Mr heartbreak in a couple days. Why do I keep letting him break my heart? He obviously has someone else. Time I did too. I got to move on. In the last couple weeks I have pissed off almost everyone I have come into contact with. Fuck them. I can't keep caring about people who never cared about me. I'm going to throw myself into projects and exercise. Dr said they should be able to patch up the damage done and still be able to go skating tonight. I thought I would do just that. Besides there is a cute referee that works there maybe I can accidentally fall into him lol. Damn I'm so exhausted today. I can barely keep my eyes open. It's going to be a long day hopefully it looks up for me. I wish someone cared about me so I wouldn't be alone for surgery but hey no one can handle me. I'll have to handle this like a boss. Sigh

Woo-hoo my truck will be done in a week then I'm blowing town. As much as I love being back I need a break. I can't shake this feeling I'm being watched. Especially tonight. I don't know why. The only person who has my address is sob2 and Mr heartbreak. Neither of them are in town.

My biggest pet peeve is silence. I fucking hate it more than liars. I can't stand it. You want to piss me off quit talking to me and just be silent. I crave conversation. I need it. I used to think I needed more but I mostly seek out conversation. If you aren't talking to me I'm assuming you are talking to someone else so I'll do the same.

I have to go into surgery on Friday. I'm aching so bad and things aren't good. I had a very weird dream could barely wake up from it. The sun hurt my eyes so badly driving sucked this morning. I think I'm going to go back to bed I'm not doing so good.

I've been going for long walks at night around the local mud puddle we call a lake here. It's nice no one can see me walking or bothers me. I've been trying to clear my mind. Tonight I didn't even go far I ended up sitting g down masked in darkness watching the lake. It made me realize I've lost my way. My family doesn't like the fact that I'm out walking alone at night. They have no idea why I'm choosing the times I have been. To be honest it easier to deal with my problems in the dark. The sun has been bothering me quite excessively. I saw what looked like to be a fox tonight. It just stood there looking at me. Then it took off running. I thought about chasing it down and feeding off of it. It's been awhile since I've eaten anything raw. I know I'm going to get sick of I don't eat soon. I can't bring myself to take care of myself. I've stopped taking the sleeping pills, forcing myself awake for days at a time. I realized that all the weird dreams when I lived in the city where about Mr heartbreak. I met him in my dreams before he found me online. So I know I was supposed to meet him. But it's costing me. I have to crash tonight and get mire sleep. My mind is slipping into darkness. I have been working on my latest story about how I am feeling. I'm pouring all my hatred and anger built up over the years into it. Maybe I'll feel better when it's finished.

So I decided to give up on people for a while. I don't know why I became so adamant about being with someone. I'm a monster after all. I went to lunch with my cousin today she was trying to cheer me up by sitting me next to a bunch of guys who eyeballed me while they shoveled food in their faces. Suddenly she looks up at me and asks if I am really a vampire. It struck me as odd my family doesn't know. I laughed at her saying vampires doesn't exist. She asked me if I were sure. Talk about strange. I went to the bathroom and realized my eyes had been glowing the entire time. Another reason I'm shying back to the shadows. I'm not blending in while I'm nursing a broken heart. I'm just going to try and drown all my sorrows in every sin I can. I made a date for Sunday just to give into my primal animal urge. It's been so long I am craving to be touched. I hope it doesn't bite me in the ass. Normally I wouldn't indulge in such things. I don't normally use people to get what I want. But I'm spiraling. I can't break free. I even thought about suicide really thought about it again. I hate myself for it. I hate what I plan on doing. I'm struggling against myself for myself. I'm hoping I don't end up a worse monster than what I already am.

Such bullshit.

It has been a rough week. Everything that could go wrong did. Mr heartbreak had a fiance for the entire duration he was seeing me. I'm not going to lie it hurt it fucking hurt bad. I cried for a bit. I started a new story to work through my emotions tonight I started to cry yet again. I broke down and texted him again. Fuck I'm a fool. I know now it's all been lies yet I'm hurting. Maybe I'm getting soft in my old age. Sob #2 started some trouble with me however the court ran in my favor. I did have a date today kinda of spur of the moment thing. It was just lunch and conversation but OMG it felt amazing to receive attention to have someone actually be reliable and show up. We are playing it by ear right now and he really wants to see me again. I'm a little excited but at the same time I wonder is it going to result in me being hurt again ? My faith in things has been shaken to the point I feel so lost. I'm having some health issues at the moment I am still not eating it sleeping much but now I'm having some woman issues. It would appear my birth control coils have dug themselves to the outside of my Fallopian tubes and there is a possibility I'm bleeding internally. The doctor is really concerned and may have to go into surgery. But where I've had so many woman problems I've almost died from now they are afraid to go in and start digging around. I have another appt on Tuesday to see if things have improved. I feel alone and scared. I feel lost.

Finally freedom. I can only hope things don't get worse. Today marks the day to a new beginning. I'll either end up walking away from it all or start my life how and with whom I want.

So nervous

I so need my own place. This place is stiffling me. I don't approve of what happens behind closed doors. But before I can move I have to get everything in order. I can't wait. I just want to find a job and throw myself in it. Get back on my feet and forget everything else. I'm tired of being alone and heart broken. I don't need it.

I'm so sick of this bullshit..... You lost.

Come on Monday. I'm ready for it all to be over with. I have been dealing with my anger by writing. I can't wait for Monday. I can't wait to be free. This will be the first Valentine's Day I have been single for since the eighth grade. I hate the holiday but at least it can't be ruined. I've been having horrible nightmares as of late. Sob #1 & 2 have been invading my dreams torturing me. The whole time I was married to either of them I never dreamed of them. It's like I can't escape my mistakes. I should have never married either of them but I was desperate to be needed. So here I am alone anyways. I haven't texted Mr heartbreak in a couple days. I am not going to Continue to make the same mistakes. I am not going to even bother with him anymore. If I wanted to be ignored and treated like I wasn't important I would have stayed married. I'm just going to focus on writing and getting a job in order.

I just have to make it to the 13 th then one of my problems will be gone. I can't wait for it all to be over with. Biggest mistake of my life. Things are OK with me right now. I'm slowly trying to fix all the damage done. The more I try to fix the more anger I'm developing. I can't believe what all I've uncovered. I thought I knew him, I thought he was capable of taking care of her while I was at work. Now I feel like I can't trust anyone. I'm in total shock. For once in my life I have no direction, I don't even know where to begin to fix things. I feel sorry for the next fucker who hurts me. My patience is fine as well as my understanding.